November Fourth

Day 19 in NICU, still no end in sight.

I kinda wanna talk about it, i kinda wanna scream from the rooftops; WHY ME?? i kinda wanna crawl into the fetal position and hide in my basement until Ozzie comes home…

I want to tell you everything, and i want to tell you nothing.

I want to cry, and I want to stop crying.  Every day, i’m so sick of fucking crying!

Brad and i are keeping a lot of things to ourselves right now, because there are a lot of uncertainties – and mostly i don’t feel like fielding the same questions every time i see or talk to someone.

My mother in law came by the other day because Cedric was sick and couldn’t go to daycare, so when she arrived, she looked around the house and said: “What’s bothering you the most?” and i said: “That Ozzie’s not at home.”

My house, it’s a disaster.
My body is tired.  My heart hurts.  I feel, everyday, like a part of me is missing, because a part of me is in a little plastic box in NICU.

I want a break.
But i can’t take a break.  I can’t justify not going to the hospital when i’m perfectly able to.  But also, not seeing Ozzie for even one day would be more painful than i can bear.  So, every day i drive 20 minutes across town, battle all the construction in the hospital parking lot, walk up the stairs to the 3rd floor because i can’t be bothered to wait for the SLOWEST ELEVATORS OF ALL FRIKKIN TIME!, and then i sit.  I sit and i hold Ozzie for as long as i can stand it before i have to either pump or leave.

And he’s so little that there’s really not a comfortable way of holding him for that long… so my back aches from the chair, my butt hurts from sitting so still for so long, my shoulders hurt from holding him close, my neck hurts from straining to look at him while i’m holding him… my breasts and nipples hurt from constant pumping – and or waiting too long to pump because i just can’t put him down and think “Just ten more minutes….just ten more minutes” until i’m about ready to burst.

Then i come home and give all my attention to Cedric who is super clingy right now because he’s been sick…again…. And i’m doing everything i can to not get sick myself because staying home is not an option for me…

Brad is working, being superdad, and trying to put the house back together now that we finally have our carpet in our rumpus room… and on top of everything our car is probably going to be written off because Brad had a bit of an accident last week when we had all that freezing rain… because we don’t already have enough on our plate.

We made the decision to try to find our cats Kozmo and Cinda new homes, and neither of us wants to actually think about putting them up for adoption – but Kozmo is not adjusting to life with children – he took a few unprovoked swats at Cedric in the past little while, and we’re starting to wonder if Cedric might be a bit healthier without the cats around.  Now with TWO preemies to think about, it’s time to part ways with our feline babies.  SAD! CRY!

November, so far, has been full of mostly suck.  I would like some goodness please, universe, and i would like my baby home.


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