November First

I have a confession to make: I am trying very hard to handle everything, but i don’t think i’m doing very well.  Ozzie is STILL in NICU.   I know that every baby is different, and i really shouldn’t be comparing Cedric’s time in NICU to Ozzie’s, but it’s hard not too.

Cedric seemed to have it all together, he was just small.  He was out of NICU after 18 days, and here we are with Ozzie – on day 16 with no end in sight.

I know that the hospital is the best place for him, but my heart hurts every time i leave him there… I’m usually there for five to six hours, but it seems like it’s not nearly enough!  like i could be there more, even though i can’t do much but hold him, or stroke his head.

This go around – it just seems like there are so many more things to deal with… And on top of a teeny tiny baby we have a very confused two year old – who kinda gets that his little brother is here, but it’s tough because he can’t go in to see him.  He’s seen pictures, but that’s about it.  It’s tough.  All he really gets is that he’s being dropped off at grandma and grandpa’s more than normal, and that his mama time has been seriously depleted.  And that breaks my heart – i know that i have TWO little boys to take care of, and its hard not to feel like i’m letting one or the other down.

Mostly, right now – i am sick of talking about it.  I feel like everyone i talk to expects me to break into tears, and they all ask the same thing, i’ve almost got it down to a science of not actually talking about it:

“how’s Ozzie doing?” and i always say the same thing: “Oh, y’know… sleeping, growing”

“How are YOU doing?” “Oh, y’know, as good as can be expected”

“How are you guys holding up?”  “Pretty well.”

it’s not that i don’t appreciate all the thoughts and concern, i really do.  But repeating the same story over and over again, with someone new every day, it’s just too hard.

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